Returning is the real work

On not being ashamed of a creative pause...

Photo credit: Unsplash

Last week was the first time that I published something here in over a month.

The words just hadn’t been flowing and I didn’t have the desire to carve out the space to try and force them to either.

My chronic illnesses have been flaring, I’d taken two weeks off to hang out with my son for his Easter break, and my husband had some time off before starting a new job so I just soaked up space for rest and family time instead.

I had so many creative desires for the year back in January.

To crack on with the first draft of my novel.

To write and self-publish a mini book of essays.

To work on an app with my husband and write more here for my Substack too.

And I knew that I’d be moving gently and staying the course as a human who lives with lowered capacity and my plan was just to eat the elephant one tiny bite at a time.

So taking a month off from any creative work, no essays here and not a single word in Ulysses for my book drafts, meant that there was a little voice in the back of my head that crept up from time to time saying: Jen, you’re falling behind, you’re lazy, why aren’t you making more space to get words down on the page.

But deep down I knew not to listen to it.

Because I have no desire to be at war with myself to bring my creative work to life and to measure my output as some signifier of my worth.

I’m not in a season of my life where I have the capacity to be creating prolifically.

I may never be.

I have two chronic illnesses, I’m a mother, and I live in a brain that needs a whole lot of breathing room to feel like myself each day.

And maybe being prolific doesn’t even have to be the goal?

Maybe it gets to be enough to be devoted to our creative desires at whatever pace feels sustainable and nourishing to us during the season of life that we’re in.

Over and over again I’m reminded that returning is some of the most important work of all.

Of not being afraid of a pause, a break, a window of time where our creative well has ran a little dry and needs filling back up.

Of coming back to our creative work, however long it may have been, without shame, without guilt, without judgement, but just a curiosity to see how we want to dive back in.

This year I carved out Friday morning’s in my calendar as space to take myself on a weekly writers date.

But so many of them this year have been spent resting instead, surviving the symptoms that my chronic illnesses send my way.

And then the startup my husband worked for closed and he was out of work for the past couple of months so we were spending our Friday’s together and soaking up this time before he started his new job last week.

But now that he’s back to work I’m returning to my weekly writer dates and it felt really good to be sitting down from the corner of a coffee shop and writing the first draft of this essay last Friday.

And as often as energy allows, I’ll keep on returning each week and eating the elephant one sustainable bite at a time.

Because I trust that it all adds up.

That I’ll be able to bring these creative projects to life at my own pace.

That a pause is part of the process.

And that returning will always be some of the most important work of all.

Where are you in your creative cycle right now, returning, resting, or deep in the creation process?

Wherever you may be, know that you’re not alone whenever you need to pause.

Remember that you can always return, that you’re not failing if you want and need to go at a slow and gentle pace.

It all adds up, one tiny bite at a time.

Until next time,
Jen